I´m going home.

I´m going home. I´m going home. And it´s strange to feel no emotion, no excitement, no relief, nothing. I´m going home but I feel nothing. 

I left home 6 months ago, excited about starting a new adventure, not really sure how long I´d be away. Impulsive, brave, in love. We had only known each other for 3 months, he swept me off my feet. Now I´ve known him for 9 months, and he still manages to sweep me off my feet every day. That´s not the point. I left good weather, friends and family, my little kingdom, where I felt safe and home. In my little kingdom I know and understand every saying, every noise at night, every type of person, every flaw in our system. It´s not perfect, it´s pretty bad sometimes, but it´s what I know, it´s where I belong. So I left home to a totally different world, to a place where I can´t predict the weather, I can´t understand what people mean, I am confused on a daily basis, and almost no one has an idea of where I come from.  I am from another world, and I had to relearn all those things a child needs to learn. Things as simple as toilet paper is supposed to be flushed, what goes into the bin and what goes into the sink, when you walk on the street and someone comes your way you stay to the left not to the right, you can´t ride your bicycle with no helmet or you´ll get a fine, even though it´s sunny it doesn´t mean it´s hot outside; green and blue everywhere, wooden houses, some would say it´s better. Maybe it is, it´s not grey like home, it´s not dodgy, but it´s not home either. 

It´s hard to explain how difficult it can be to move from an ocean to a lake, where things like being safer and having a better system and no traffic or crazy combis on the streets means nothing to me.

And then I finally started feeling better, and I could go for a walk without getting lost, and I started laughing more than crying. But then grandma dies, and I get scared to be so far away, my parents aren´t getting any younger, and I feel this immediate need to be home. And then I deal with that, and I´m ok just going for a vacation and coming back to the man of my dreams. And then I go to work and find a dead body hanging from the roof, with a purple and green deformed face, just hanging there, looking at me, threatening to make my world crumble and bring back all the secret demons from my past. And suddenly the world is dangerous again, and I´m confused all the time and I´m scared and I´m nervous. I´m trying to be strong but my mind plays tricks on me, and the pills don´t even help anymore. And opposed to what one would expect I don´t feel like going home now, I don´t feel like going back to my little kingdom even if it seems safer, because right now I have no idea how I am going to be strong enough to leave it all again. I´m going home. I´m in love. I´m crying. I´m in pain. I don´t want to lose him. But I also need to feel safe again.